I Can’t Anymore – Not a Sad Story

I just wanted out. That’s all I knew. Whether it’s for good, bad, or everything in between, I just wanted to escape it all!

A girl who left her 23 years of life behind, packed up everything she could in just three oversized suitcases (And yes, while I was packing, my family worried more about how their 47kg daughter would lift 90kg of luggage. So typical!)

Honestly, back then, I wasn’t thinking about growth or transformation; an escape was the only thing on my mind when I decided to leave my hometown.

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But something shifted at the airport.

Everyone I love was waving me goodbye; I was finally getting the escape I wanted, but suddenly, the excitement I’d been carrying turned into teary eyes.

That’s when it hit me – I wasn’t just leaving them, I was leaving everything.

Everything…but starry eyes that reflect the hopes and dreams of every single person who had worked so hard to give me a will.

The will that gave me the power to choose my life. My dreams.

That day, while boarding the plane, I made a quiet promise to myself that I would give everything I’ve got for my people. Not because they expect it from me. But because I want to.

It feels heavy, right? To feel that burden on your little shoulders. But still, like Luffy, you rise for the ones who walk beside you. (Straw Hat energy, IYKYK!)

That was me three years ago; eyes full of dreams and just enough courage to carry me across oceans.

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A few months ago, I went back to the same house, the same room, but this time, something felt odd.

I was back where everything started – my childhood home. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I no longer fit where I once belonged for some reason.

So I left again. But this time, I wasn’t running. I wasn’t chasing life; I was choosing it. Fully aware of what I was leaving behind.

I still remember the airport ride with my dad that second time. He came to drop me off. I had a big smile on my face, trying my best to look fearless.

But he saw right through me.

“Don’t think about us so much.” His voice was low, serious. “You’ve already done enough for our family.” He paused. “Now, go live your life.” He was offering me peace, which I wasn’t sure I could accept.

He didn’t say much, but I felt it. His eyes lingered on mine, searching for his little girl, whom he once dropped off at school with a kiss on her forehead.

There was silence.

“Papa, don’t worry. I’m living my life.” I said, loud and proud, with all the rebellious courage I could gather.

He didn’t stop me. He just nodded. As if to say, I know.

But he knew; he sensed something I hadn’t named yet. Something only years of living can teach you. Something only an elder knows.

Me, being naive? I made even bigger promises at that time while boarding the plane. (Yes, I know; it’s the elder daughter syndrome. I’m self-aware, lol.)

For a while, the weight of those promises fueled me, but as the months bled into one another, the fuel began to run out.

And as we all know from living, life rarely follows our plan. It has its own way of cutting you and then healing you fine, often through hell.

It’s already July, and I’m not even sure if I can keep those promises. I’m trying my best…but that kind of acceptance? It’s hard for me.

Last week, I hit my rock bottom. It wasn’t a sudden crash; it was a slow, suffocating surrender.

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So what do you do in moments like that? You talk. You reach out.

I talked to my family. My friends. A four-hour-long series of calls.

They helped me take the pressure off, the pressure of self-imposed responsibilities that I had taken upon myself.

In a way, they reminded me that they love me. I know it sounds so basic, but I needed that; I needed them to tell me that I am the one who matters to them, not those promises.

Was I feeling like a failure while uncontrollably sobbing in front of my younger sister? Absolutely.

Because in my mind, I was supposed to be brave, big sis. The one with all her shit so together that she could rule chaos from her imaginary throne.

But there I was. Helpless. Unsure. With no clear idea of what to think next.

After the pressure came off, the same question came back: What now?

So, I hit the reset, and I started looking for a new perspective. A new belief to live by. Even if it’s vague…even if it’s blurry.

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Here’s what I’ve come to understand, and maybe it can be your takeaway too.

Everyone has different love languages. For you, you may be promising people the world. Not because they asked for it. But because you think that’s what love looks like. You like giving people what they want. You like being needed.

But here’s the bitter truth: One day, that weight? It’ll bury you.

Did anyone ask you to carry it all alone? No.
Does it slowly drain you? A big, yes.

Then, darling, you have to stop. Not because you’re selfish, but because you matter too.

That’s when I understood what my dad’s silence was trying to tell me.

Sometimes I wonder how this man, who is now in his 50s, carried it all without ever complaining. Gosh, I wish I had even 10% of his courage.

But courage looks different for everyone. His strength was silence; mine is still learning its voice.

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That’s when I started looking inward. This year is all about self-care, psychology, and human behavior; not just to understand others, but to finally understand myself.

What I realized is that over-functioning in any connection doesn’t just let others down; it gives you self-doubt. In my case, I was feeling like a failure. And honestly, that really is the worst form of self-abuse.

Here’s what worked for me – a tiny life hack that helped me during my time.

Move from “Can’t do this” to “Can’t do this anymore”.

This is an attempt to play with the CAN inside the CAN’T and see how life swings in the middle of these two words. Because the way we speak to ourselves can make or break us.

When you say, I can’t do this, you add self-doubt, but when you say I can’t do this anymore, that’s self-worth. That’s when you tell the world that “Hey, I can, if I want to, but I’m choosing not to.“

Because you are capable of handling everything that life throws at you, right? You are a brave soul. You can swim seven oceans for the people that matter to you. But not at the expense of yourself.

The moment you shift your mindset, you introduce your boundary.

However, boundaries get a bad reputation because we can mistake them for being cold. We act like we don’t care. We may also unintentionally push people away, and believe it or not, that’s not healthy! (Been there, done that, would not recommend)

What I mean by that is peace needs to be at the center of the boundaries we set. Peace with the world, and most importantly, peace with ourselves.

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But the lingering question here is: if we put boundaries, can we still love and laugh loudly without losing ourselves?

The answer is YES!

When you stop bleeding yourself dry for others, you start showing up more present, more grounded, and more whole.

And believe me, that’s when the best connection happens, when no one’s being drained just to keep the connection alive. That’s what security feels like.

And honestly? Everyone deserves to be loved like that. But it starts with yourself.

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PS: This post really helped me shift my perspective during my time & inspired me to write this.
https://adultate.wordpress.com/2018/03/27/12-pictures-turn-the-i-cant-into-i-cant-anymore/

Credit: A big thanks to @kanii for helping me shape this article into what it is today.